1850hrs: On the way to work with a contented morale.
1905hrs: Still contented as I arrived at work.
1935hrs: Read a message on my mobile. "Tmr duty report at 1930hrs."
1936hrs: Morale going down.
1938hrs: Blood pressure going up.
2010hrs: Spoke to someone about the deployment. Conversation goes this way:
Me: Eh ***, besok aku kene duty eh? Rabak sak, baru last 2nd off aku kene. Takkan ni pun kene lagi?
***: Ah, sekarang aku ngah aim kau, Hirman, Ellyza. Sape suruh korang tak buat CI Returns? Besok yang kene is kau, Hirman, Gary, Go Han Song, Ashrafe.
(Upon hearing that stupid, idiotic explanation, I totally went berserk!)
Me: Oh, selama ni yang aku buat CI Returns when the rest tak buat tu kau tak cakap pape? Sekarang ni aku baru tak buat sekali, kau nak buat macam gini.
(Another person, ***** came in at this point)
*****: You know about the deployment tomorrow right? Can ah?
Me: Can I say no? Definitely can't mah.
*****: This time you kena, next time you won't kena. Unless suay then whole team kena, I cannot do anything.
Me: Ah, at least you say like that not so bad lah.
***: He not happy.
*****: Not happy ah? Bo pian..
(End of conversation)

Am I wrong to be angry? 2 straight off days got burn! And of all people, why me? That was my question. I have been missing classes when there were short of manpower. In my class, I am the only one who have miss lessons the most. All because of manpower constraint. But ain't it funny? Why does other people able to make it to class? They are short of manpower too. But I was told to understand which I did.

And this is the moment where I need to complete my projects, read up on the lessons which I have missed and also exam's is in a month's time. For goodness sake, I need to study! Does anyone understand that? Hell no!

The whole day I was angry, frustrated and feel so helpless. I nearly broke down. I stayed in maintenance for a short period of time, just to be alone. That period, even though is short was a very painful one.

But I got to calm myself down and complete my work in maintenance. I didn't feel like eating after that and eventually ate my dinner at 0200hrs which Ellyza had bought for me at 2100hrs. I didn't want to talk much. I was not myself. Not that I was showing tantrums but I just felt so lost.

No doubt we have been told to prepare ourself for this tough time. And I swear to god that I have prepared myself, just that I didn't expect it to be so fast and the worst thing of all, on 2 consecutive off days. It is definitely not off days for me.

I had just got back from night shift and will be sleeping after this. I need to wake up at 1800hrs to prepare to work and will only be back at around 1100hrs tomorrow morning where I will have to sleep again. And the next day is already my morning shift.

So do I have time to spend with family, loved ones or my school stuffs? Again, no! How am I going to survive this tough period with all this coming onto me? I am wondering if I had make the right choice to take up the sponsorship and further my studies and get bonded till 2009. Will I have time to study as well as spend time with my loved ones?

To be honest, I am still feeling very down now and is slowly breakin' down. I don't know how long I can continue this. Problems with my school, my personal life, my work..It all adds to my pain. I just hope to get the strength from god and continue this life of mine.

Only time well tell...